Attachment, Identity and Travel

This evening, it really sunk in that I have "left" my traveler days behind me. I am no longer the solo backpacker, the lone wolf, the adventurous ever curious wanderer of lands and cultures.

After several years of travel, it dawned on me that my fulfillment would come from long lasting relationships, projects and ultimately, calling somewhere ‘home’.

It pains me (quite literally) to let go of the greatly romanticized unstructured lifestyle and wildness of being a solo traveler. Living in that way gave me such a giant dopamine hit that it made it almost impossible to stop.

Coming back to “reality” as people who don’t travel just love to call it (eye-roll), was something I wasn't willing to do. There’s a sincere belief that I could continue living in that way forever and that “coming back to reality” would be akin to giving up and becoming a barcode of a human in the matrix.

It’s difficult to express to people who haven’t lived this lifestyle what the culture and mentality is like, and just how feasible it is to vagabond for years on end when you incorporate work-trading.

Being a traveler, you become a full-time observer. Living on the periphery of society, witnessing the world (wherever you are) from an outsider’s perspective. You are not a direct participant, more like the audience.

And once many "audience members" recognize themselves, they create their own game to participate in and can play by different rules. This is what I discovered in many traveler hubs.

Say hello to the new age counterculture movement. The birth of digital nomads, Tim Ferris’ 4-hour work week, community living… and notably, a subculture which dissociates from the mainstream world of capitalism, hierarchy, patriarchy and subjugation of countries and people…

People who wish to dream up a new world where there is no striving towards power over one another, no fear of lack, but rather knowledge that we are all connected and there is more than enough to go around and more. Living in harmony with each other, with Mother Earth and with oneself.

This kind of discovery was like my saving grace, I had found my people. My tribe. It was a miracle. Why on Earth would I return to so called “reality”?

Many solo travelers either begin with or end up finding themselves on a spiritual path - not very surprising since you're facing yourself every single day. The conditionings of our upbringing and mainstream culture get dismantled the more you learn from other people and cultures, and a bigger Truth gets recognized.

I felt like the Great Observer. I need not participate in the rat race, the mainstream game. I removed myself from it and told myself I’d never need to return. Why would I participate in that miserable game when I can just run around the globe wildly and freely?

I didn’t exactly choose to return to reality. Due to covid, I returned to Canada prematurely from India, and began a new life in B.C.

In a way, if it wasn’t for covid, there’s a great likelihood that I would still be traveling. My heart reacts a lot just at the thought of it.

For better or worse, for the past year my energy has been focused on clarifying my vision for what I want my life to look like, cultivating relationships and grounding into one earthly location. It’s an ongoing journey, which has had a lot of bumps, wrong turns, sinkholes, and being perpetually stuck in traffic kind of journey.… but today, I can actually really recognize: oh damn…. My life has changed a lot from what it used to look like.

It’s quite shocking to my system, because I notice attachment to my traveler “identity”. Not just the traveler identity, but solo traveler identity. It felt so powerful, adventurous, mysterious, exciting… I felt a certain pride holding that identity, I was on top of the world and laughing at the Grand Joke of life.

Now, I am on a different kind of adventure, which I am glad to say I am genuinely excited about.

It’s strange to let go of such an important piece of myself though. I almost can’t do it. Part of me wants to cling and hold on, forever embracing that version of myself. It actually brings tears to my eyes.

I don’t want to let her go. She’s so precious, she’s so full of life, full of joy, her heart radiates 10000 miles away… Her body dances to the rhythm of the earth’s heartbeat, she is totally and completely wild and free, unrestrained and uncontrolled.

It gives me comfort to tell myself that that part of me will always exist within me. Yet, there is a real mourning.

Death isn’t only for those who pass on to other realms, it is also for our own identities as we transform and evolve. Sometimes, we can’t bear the death of an identity that we are attached to, so we stump our own evolution and simply stay put. While this may seem fine and innocent, it disconnects you with your Higher Self, the inner intelligence working towards embodying your Highest purpose.

We are ever-changing, ever-evolving beings. Honoring your Self is allowing the snake skin to shed, allowing the ego-fulfilled identities to fall away and renew.

I’ve seen many parts of myself “die” in my life, many identities lost. I've always loved witnessing my own growth. This time, it’s hitting different. I know its what I need, yet I feel this attachment towards this particular version of myself which I've idolized and don't want to move on from.

All I can do is have compassion for this part of myself that just enjoyed that portion of my journey so very much, and let her know that more greatness is awaiting her. Things beyond her imagination...

That's always what life has served me, continuously things I couldn't even imagine - so why would it change now? It's only getting better and better. We create our own reality so I'm gonna make this grounding into one place thing, real sweet.