Seeking 'Home'

Home. What does that mean to you?

Where you are from? Where you live now? The people in your life? Earth? Yourself?

As a wanderer, it's been a question I have been exploring... For a while now I've felt like I don't have a 'home'. So I just decided that 'home' was simply where ever I was.

"In this body, and on this Earth, I am home. "

(Well I may not even be from Earth, but that's for a different conversation.)

Most of my life, I lacked a sense of belonging, I've always felt misunderstood and alienated, rarely encountering genuine connection. I’m only beginning to understand that for the past 4-5 years, I have been subconsciously searching for that deeper sense of belonging. I was being guided to seek something that my soul knew existed before I knew. Without even being aware, I was looking for my kind, my tribe. ~Real~ connection. Perhaps, 'Home'?

It's been about 5 years now that I have been addicted to living in new places and traveling, and 2 years ago I began a vagabond lifestyle. I have been floating around the world, transient, going day by day, sometimes staying somewhere for a few days, sometimes for a few months.

In these experiences, I did find my "tribe", my humans. I found a sense of belonging and of community - in many places. But I didn't exactly recognize that I was looking for a 'home'. So I kept moving, my exploration was just beginning, I still had so many places in the world to see, so why would I stop?

Last year while in Vietnam, I was about to head off to Japan for an undetermined period of time, and something strange happened. I completely broke down. I fell into a depression and couldn’t make sense of how I was looking at the most beautiful ocean sunset but felt complete emptiness inside. I felt lost, confused and understood somehow that I had probablyyy passed the point where I needed to stop.

I was exhausted and... my ego hates to admit it, but I was lonely.

Being at 'home' on Earth and in my body is one thing and it's definitely important... but I realized that trying to live without a strong community, without support, is a bit of an egotistical idea.

"I don't need anybody!"

Many of us like to pretend that, but if we're being real with ourselves, it simply isn't the truth. We are social beings and we belong in community. We are meant to depend on others - and it doesn't make you weak or less of a person. Community is something we may have lost in the western world with individualism at the forefront of our psyche, but it's arguably what we need the most.

~Connection~ That's one of the biggest things I learned during my solo travel - how freaaaking important connection and community is for mental health, fulfillment and overall happiness. In one day I could go from depressed to ecstatic just because of a connected conversation with someone.

So I actually did end up making a good attempt of stopping. I changed my plans from going to Japan, to returning to Canada.

Some months prior, I was told about a festival in BC. And beyond all odds, I ended up there. A week prior I was on the other side of the Earth, I didn't know anyone going, I didn't have any equipment/stuff to camp, no ride to the location 8 hours out of Vancouver... But somehow, there I was! And the slogan of this festival was “Welcome Home!”...

"Welcome Home!"

The symbolism in that I’ve only very recently recognized. And if that's not enough, there I also met a guy that had “HOME” tattooed on his hand who I spent the entire time with. HA!

Everything in my being was apparently searching for this “home” so a month later I returned to BC with the intention of staying. I guess all that subconscious messaging worked.

I just had “one last thing to do” - I went off to India to get my yoga teacher training certification. Naively, I thought that I could just go to India for 6 weeks and return.

Nope! Not even close! India swallowed me. Instead of staying for 6 weeks, I stayed for 6 months... The addictive travel patterns in me were triggered. Since I had received a taste of my soul's desire and my depression from Vietnam was 'gone', the desire to be unattached and free returned… the lightness of transience and the romance of living like a gypsy seduced me once again.

My rational self also declared it was much cheaper for me to stay in India, and that I should take advantage of all I can learn in this culturally and spiritually rich land. I benefited immensely from the experiences in India and made connections I wouldn’t dream of exchanging for anything. However I am acknowledging that there was actually a lot of unconscious fear involved in the decision to stay in India.

It seems bizarre, but I was much more comfortable staying in a foreign land than attempting to live in a city in my home country. My 'normal' was being constantly on the move in foreign countries and living in a certain way... so I was actually trying something new and uncomfortable by 'stopping'.

The fear I avoided in November, by staying in India, I am now facing. (face palm) Since one month now, I am back in Vancouver, in my new 'home' (?), attempting to set down some roots. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt this uncomfortable...

Why is it so uncomfortable?

I am used to being alone, a solo traveler, a lone wolf. The only constant in my life the past 2 years has been... myself. I create connections - and I leave. Make friends - leave, meet lovers - leave. Always simply left with some memories and my own self. It’s beautiful. And it’s exhausting.

It feels extremely vulnerable to admit that I do crave support and community, that I crave long lasting relationships with humans.

It’s honestly very hard for me to not think about running off again and seek some relief by living once again in the detached way of life as a vagabond. But I understand that it simply isn't sustainable for my spirit.

So here I am, sitting in the discomfort. In the unknown. An addict in withdrawal.

Will this be my home? I have no freaking clue.

The universe has given me some indicators that I am indeed in the right place, but I can't help but have the feeling that my quest is not over quite yet.

I try to remind myself that patience is required, but patience is not my strongest quality. Perhaps that is one of the things I am here to learn.

For now, I am trying my best to let go of expectations, of attachment to outcomes, simply surrendering and allowing whatever happens to happen and adjusting as I learn.